Thursday, February 18, 2010

Today is our 21 anniversay.  "For better or worse."  At times I thought this was "worse", but how can it be?  We laugh, tease each other, make fun of our weaknesses in a loving and knowing way, go to the top of our local hiking mountain together (electric wheelchairs can go almost anywhere) and do almost everything that other people do.  We sometimes forget that walking and self maintenence are normal.  And, when we act as though it is no big deal, people around us seem to act the same. 

It is a big deal.  It's a huge deal.  But marriage is an amazing bond that we have been blessed with.  We care for each other so deeply that we both give.  I give sometimes to exhaustion, but what I receive restores me, gives me courage and makes me a stonger better person. 

Happy Anniversary to us.  No fine and fancy dinner and champagne, no exchange of lovely ribbon tied gifts, no steak and lobster.  Just  laughter and knowing.  Sharing and knowing.  Changing and knowing.  The best and worst of things with the best shining bright and making us realize that we have been given the gift of love. 

Monday, February 8, 2010

I'm not sure I've ever doubted the existance of God. It's just waiting that I doubt.  Waiting does not always bring the dream.  Once upon a time we dreamed big dreams.  We were high on the life of richness and high on the competency of capacity.  Work hard, mix it well with good deeds, kindness to others and a cross you drag up the very hill you eventually lose to a trustee sale, and all will come out roses and joy.  Doesn't work like that.  Just doesn't.  No one worked harder or more honest.  No one was more good to the people involved.  No one.  But God doesn't mess with stuff like that.  God is God.  God isn't really impressed with the stuff we do.  God just wants us to love him. 

We do and we did, but all the stuff we aligned ourself with is now memories and ashes.  The big house on the hill that would make us millionaires, the 30 homes that we would build with streets named after our grandchildren, the home we've lived in for 20 years, all memories and ashes.  Falling off a ladder can create a new reality.

And now our much beloved caregiver is struggling with the big C.  Cancer?  Where?  Let's test.  Not again!  Shit!  Movie night will come soon and we can forget just for an evening that we are human and will succumb to all the stuff that we humans do.  That's why I still believe in God.  Now, I see in a mirror dimly, but then, I will know.  I will know the truth that is reserved for those who wait.  The wait is not so bad.