Tuesday, August 26, 2014


Tomorrow Rowan will be one.  The day one year ago is vivid.  "Today's the day!" was the message I got midmorning.  Jed said, "go."  I hesitated and, Jed said, "GO!"  Ubaldo got on the computer while I packed and Jed instructed.  I was off.  Quick flight, long drive, and into the forest.  Home birth in the wild country.  The day was long and I kept expecting to hear of his birth.  Into the night I drove up the hill through the trees, hoping all was well.  And, just as I arrived, so did Rowan.  When I walked through the door he was there, beautiful bitty Rowan Oak.  Born in a portable tub in a little love nest far north of San Francisco.  Little Rowan suckled and nuzzled next to his exhausted parents as the midwives took out the evidence.  The next few days I cooked and proudly cared for my new little family. 

Time changes things.  As it should be.  Now, one year later I have an ache in my heart that Rowan will never know Jed.  But, what I do know, is that Jed is looking out for him.  Angie shared with me that after Jed died he came to her telling her that he was sorry they didn't have a better relationship, and he told her that he would always take care of Rowan.  My God, what a beautiful and powerful message to be given from the other world.  Rowan will always be taken care of!  I have tears flowing as I think about the power of love. 

So tonight, I've written on tea mugs, "Our Little Honey, Rowan, is 1"  I've stuffed the mugs with honey sticks and have packed, or plan to pack, gobs of things to take to his teddy bear picnic party.  Ubaldo has planned yet another perfect party and we will go to Oakland on Friday to celebrate Rowan becoming one. 

But, as we plan this adventure, another awaits.  I am making plans to "move" to Oakland for an extended time.  This was rather spontaneous, but it feels right.  Angie and Robyn are under considerable stress and I am able to help.  I talk to Jed all the time.  I asked him, "so, what do you think of my idea of moving up to Oakland to help Angie, Rob and Rowan for a while."  And then I realized, duh, it was his idea in the first place.  Jed put the idea in my head because he has committed himself to always taking care of Rowan. 

With the help of Ubaldo, Dylan and Elizabeth, I am getting the shop in order.  Soon I will leave it to them to run.  I will miss the daily people greeting and affirmation that we have done a great job to make the shop amazing.  But, I am looking forward to the new adventures that await me in Oakland. 
Life is rich and wonderful.  Grandbabies make that more obvious.  I choose to hang with joy.  His little year has been filled with joy and tears for me.  But I rest comfortably in the knowledge that Jed came through the veil of death to vow his constant vigil of care to Rowan.  You just can't get much more beautiful than that. 

Friday, August 15, 2014

Hawks and Eagles and Things That Fly Through Your Mind

Jed's been gone from this earth more than six months.  The part that wouldn't burn is in a box in my closet.  His good friend, Reg called today and we talked briefly about what life is like now.  Well, it's not different at all, and yet there's nothing the same.  I hear Jed's voice constantly, guiding me and giving me validation to move on.  I hear his voice tell me to not doubt myself, to believe in who I am, to be the me that I want to be, that nothing I could do would disappoint him.  We had a love.  He used to say, "people would kill for what we have, Sherry."  How did this beauty come to us?

However it came, and however it continues, is mystery bound in magic.  We had a brief 25 years where we seeped and oozed and made magic and beauty midst prison and ugliness.  We lifted without knowing, we made it laughter, and battle and truth and tears.  We had a love. 

And now he comes to me on wings.  When I need to feel the confidence we gave each other, he is there in a swoop of wings, sometimes a call, always quick.  He rested quickly outside a window of anxiety, he swooped low at James's funeral, he often visits while I sit and think drink on the deck.  His presence is important.  Life without him is pretty much the same as life with him, except it's void of magic.  It's void of insight and spontaneous joy. 

I like to believe that Jed can channel his current existence to this one.  I like to believe that he has chosen to do that through the hawk.  It just makes sense that he would choose the  hawk because he was so enamored by their flight beauty.  And, he would know that I would know. 

The mind is a mystical place.  The faith that there is more than we know is not only mystical, but essential.  So, the things that fly though my mind are hawks and eagles and the faith that there is more than we know, and while I live and breathe on this earth, I will watch hawks and eagles with an awareness that there's more to death than gone.  There's more to life than here.  There's more.  Believing makes it so.