Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Life Goes On

Life goes on.  And on and on and on.  I wrote a song about that some 30 years ago.  It had to do with life changes and friends and relationships and stuff that's hard.  Funny thing.  Stuff hasn't changed much.  Things are still hard, people are still important and friends carry you when carrying isn't an option.

Tonight I can't stand my husband.  He is mean  and cocky.  He is cruel.  I want to hate him and can tell myself that I do, but love and hate are so very closely related that my head spins.  He wants sex.  Well, duh, me too.  Fuck, I hate my life.  And I'm supposed to be happy, because this very night, this night, when I want to hate my husband, this night when I can say, "you are a mean son of a bitch and I'm done with you," is the night when two, yes two, twins, great grand sons are born.  Life goes on and on and on.

So, sex, twins, cruelty and cockiness mix together to make my night blurry.  It's blurry pie.  A mixture of stuff I understand, stuff I hate, stuff I love, stuff I deny, stuff I can't understand or make different.  A blurry pie.  Who wants to eat a blurry pie.  It just stirs around and sticks there and make you a bit ill.

Some of my best writing comes when I'm full of the blurry.  It's the writing that I don't want to share because It's just too private.  That's when it gets good, the scalded heart.  So tonight, I protect myself a bit and don't tell all.  Tonight I have no happy, God is good stuff.  Tonight it's just, "life goes on, and on, and on."  So happy for the new babies and still angry with my husband who I love enough to hate.

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