Sunday, October 27, 2013

I'm Different Now

It's come full circle.  My daughter has a son.  I'm different now.  Now I believe that things not possible are possible, that dreams unvoiced can become tangible, and be rocked to sleep with a song.  My heart physically opens and draws in the breath of this new creature that I dreamed, and has become real.  Rowan.  Born in a forest nest with coyotes on watch, with mother and father bathed in the birth water.  Rowan Oak Creekmore.   I'm different now. 

Rowan is two months old today.  I don't hold and sing to him enough.  He's much too far away.  So I go to my knees and get filled...filled with everything of life...hope, love, joy, fear.  He is new and we have a great job.  It is a task full of awe.

Jed is not getting better.  His pain is over whelming.  We can't seem to get him in a comfort state without getting him in a non-Jed state.  Sleep gives him relief.  I both welcome his sleep and am saddened by it.  He now prefers to sleep over most all things.  So, I am mixed. 

Mixed isn't bad really, but it must be recognized.  Within my heart is the best and the worst of things.  Dickens got the words right.  So full of wonderment and so full of despair.  I'm different now.  Trying to balance it all.  Rowan and Jed.  Joy and pain.  Wonderment and sadness.  Amazement and confusion. 

I've gone to my knees in prayer more these past few months than anytime in my life.  God has given me peace.  Only peace.  No answers.  No direction.  Just peace.  Peace and trust in myself.  Trust that decisions are His and all will be as He has designed.  I've not been one to give up my power, but lately, well, I've just had to reluctantly  hand it over to God. 

Full circle.  I'm different now.  My daughter is beauty in motion as she moves graciously within motherhood. Jed, too, is beautiful as he somehow manages to make our lives less uncomfortable than his. And, as I participate in it all... I'm so completely aware that I have been blessed beyond my most amazing dreams. 

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