After more than four years of dealing with the stuff of quadriplegia, I've become a bit thick skinned. I've turned away from the "God is Good" philosophy of life and hung on to just getting by. There have been times in the dark and sad times of nights alone, that I have decided that my faith has been shallow and not worth clinging to. Faith. Faith in what? Faith that Jed would get better? Well, he isn't. Faith that the bills would all get paid? Well, they aren't. Faith that there is a God with a plan? Come on, get real!
Don't give me, "God doesn't give you more than you can handle," because that will get me really pissed off at God. What kind of God throws bricks on a faithful person's head until they are just at the breaking point?One more brick would kill them. Who and why would any God do that. I feel one brick short of the breaking load most of the time. Why would the God I grew up with put them there?
So I walk into church today. A little bitter and a little, "okay, it's nice to see our dear friends." I sit through church not really caring about being there, not involved in the sermon...way too not from the heart. I even check my phone for text messages 3 times.
But then there was the hymn. Today it was, "Because He Lives." I've sung and heard this song a million times. It's just a song. Not today. Today it was a direct beam into my hardened heart. Like most hymns, it's a bit sappy. Not today. I couldn't even sing it. My throat was constricted, the tears in my eyes blurred the words. "Because He lives, I can face tomorrow...."
It talked about how lovely it is to hold little babies, and I flashed to our beautiful great grand children. Then I flashed to our Granddaughter fighting cancer and to my daughter expecting in September with no home to take him to. I looked at Jed. He was singing too, and I knew that he too, knew that facing tomorrow is a gift from the God we are casual about, get mad at and sometimes hate.
We came home different. Glad we went to church. We can't explain it, and for the most part don't try, but every now and then, maybe right before that final brick is put in place, we get touched. And because we're touched, we can face tomorrow.
Don't give me, "God doesn't give you more than you can handle," because that will get me really pissed off at God. What kind of God throws bricks on a faithful person's head until they are just at the breaking point?One more brick would kill them. Who and why would any God do that. I feel one brick short of the breaking load most of the time. Why would the God I grew up with put them there?
So I walk into church today. A little bitter and a little, "okay, it's nice to see our dear friends." I sit through church not really caring about being there, not involved in the sermon...way too not from the heart. I even check my phone for text messages 3 times.
But then there was the hymn. Today it was, "Because He Lives." I've sung and heard this song a million times. It's just a song. Not today. Today it was a direct beam into my hardened heart. Like most hymns, it's a bit sappy. Not today. I couldn't even sing it. My throat was constricted, the tears in my eyes blurred the words. "Because He lives, I can face tomorrow...."
It talked about how lovely it is to hold little babies, and I flashed to our beautiful great grand children. Then I flashed to our Granddaughter fighting cancer and to my daughter expecting in September with no home to take him to. I looked at Jed. He was singing too, and I knew that he too, knew that facing tomorrow is a gift from the God we are casual about, get mad at and sometimes hate.
We came home different. Glad we went to church. We can't explain it, and for the most part don't try, but every now and then, maybe right before that final brick is put in place, we get touched. And because we're touched, we can face tomorrow.
No comments:
Post a Comment