Friday, March 28, 2014

Don't Stop Writing

After we brought Jed home from the hospital, he couldn't talk much.  The cancer and the strain of being intubated had taken its tole on his voice.  Most conversation was a weak whisper.  But, before we knew anything. and he was without all the tubes down his throat, we had wonderful conversations.  Little did I know that these were the last we would have.  After a great day of hope and family, he and I were alone for the evening before sleep.  He talked with me about writing and stories.  I read him Rowan's armadillo story.  He thought it was beautiful.  And then he said his last words to me.  "Sherry, I love you.  You work too hard for me.  Don't stop writing, you have a magical way with words."  I had no idea these would be his last words to me. 

But as it would be, again that night, he was intubated and became non verbal until his last day on earth. 

I've taken his words as power juice.  He told me to keep writing.  So, I will write.  I will write stories, I will write about us, I will write to the greats and the grands.  I will write, because it makes me feel powerful and the love of my life made that his last request.  I do not know where this writing will take me, but I'm looking forward to mixing and stirring the stuff in my heart with the glob of words I know.  Elnora told me, "You lose half your brain when you lose your husband."  Well, half, or more, is now gone, but the brain still stirs and the heart still beats, so get ready, I'm going to stick it down on paper and make it something.  I miss him so much.  It's an ache that takes over where breathing once was.  It's a hole.  Living with a hole ain't for sissys.  So I write.  Sometime it will be gobblygook  Sometimes sappy.  But sometimes, it will be pure and wonderful.  I will not know.  Jed was my critic.  Now he is my guardian angel.  He will help me decide. 

It totally sucks, losing not only your best friend and life love, but your brains.  How'd he get so smart anyway?  I will not stop writing, not only because Jed declared it so, but because it gives me strength.  Words mean something and stories can be magical.  Thank you, Jed, for giving me direction and all your love. 

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