Tuesday, December 9, 2014

It's Not Fair

So today I got the news that I will most likely have a mastectemy in the very near future.  Basically, all I can say is, "That really sucks."  I recently had a friend tell me that, "It's not fair,"  when asking me about my cancer.  Well now that has a dissonant ring I never expected to say, "My cancer."  It is what it is.  Back to the fairness issue.

Really, what does fairness have to do with anything except how we treat people?  My cancer has nothing to do with fairness.  It is, however and eye opener.  What does it have to do with?  Is it toxisity we breath and eat?  Is it stress?  Is it just chance?  What I'm sure it isn't is punishment or unfairness.

What my friend was referring to was my year...or maybe my several years...but she's just plain wrong.  Yeah, I would call this year, 2014, one of my less favorite years, especially the starting and ending parts.  My husband dying in Januaury, and me with breast cancer in December does seem to wrap up the year with some pretty raw wire, but here I am thinking about the fun times this year has brought me, from a girlfriend road trip cross country, to lovely fun trips to see my family, and a warm and comfortable home surrounded by constant activity and friends.  And, as I ponder this year's mix of rainbow and rain I am filled with the knowledge that, it's good.  All of it.  Like another friend recently said, "It's God's tree, and I'm just sitting in it."

And it's a lovely tree indeed, God's tree.  It's not one that deals in fairness, it's one that just is.  My theology is really simple:  God is.  That's it.  I don't get it complicated with behavior or punishment or fairness.

So, even though I would like to fall into crying and sadness, the closest thing I can get is shock. Just didn't expect this one.

It's sort of like when dad's prize bull just dropped dead, before  he even had a chance to frolic with the females.  Dad had saved all of his money, extended himself beyond his good judgement, brought that fertile fella home and within a few minutes of getting him to the pasture, that darn expensive promise had a heart attact and died.  I remember dad's face.  I remember his distant stare, his broken spirit.  It was shock.  Of all the things he thought or knew might go wrong on the farm, his prize winning bull having a heart attack and dying, was the last of his thoughts.

That's me and breast cancer.  Of all the things that I know that can go wrong, I just didn't have breast cancer wired in as a possibility.  But, it's God's tree and I'm just sitting in it.  I've been blessed with so many amazing tree sitting joys, I'm going to just keep sitting here and take what comes.  

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