Thursday, December 8, 2011


I don't think there's a person in the world who doesn't dream about something better than where they are in life.  Last night I dreamed I walked to Seattle.  So what on earth could that mean?  I was walking and walking, getting very tired.  People I knew would stop and ask me if I wanted to ride.  I said no, that I was fine walking.  But, in my dream I stopped and wondered why I had refused those rides, because I was so very tired and knew I wouldn't make Seattle in time.  In time for what I don't recall.  So, what does it all mean?  

Maybe I'm unconsciously stating that I can do this.  It will be hard.  It will take most of me, but I can do it.  It's nice to know that there are people who will offer help, but right now I don't need it.  I wonder if that's what it means?  There's a sign in the shop that says, "happiness is a choice."  I believe in that powerfully.  We can choose.  Choice is one of the great eternal gifts.  We can choose happiness.  We can choose God.  We can choose pretty much anything we want to choose.  A bit of a curse at times, but an amazing gift.

So, I dream of Jed walking.  I dream of him happy and competent.  I find myself at times settling for his handicap.  Settling for bedriddenness.  But I dream of more and I know he does. 

Recently we have changed our approach to this reality.  Less therapy, more at home focus.  I'm conflicted.  It was good to have a place to go and someone to meet for therapy.  Now, we have to make choices at home.  Choices to stay in bed or get up and work at standing.  Choices to watch TV or practice walking.  Choices. 

Jed's progress has not been linear.  It's not been a straight upward line of progress.  Rather, it has jumped all over the place.  Great progress, giant set back, major breakthrough, illness, etc, etc, etc. But he continues to be able to do more than he once could. 

I feel guilty and convicted often.   "If I had gotten better doctors, if I had not given up the Blue Cross Insurance, If I had been home with him more......," bunches and bunches of should-upons.  But in all my inadequacies, I still dream.  I still believe that Jed will walk and function for himself.  He's beginning to approach life from a "this is all I am" approach.  It's sad to see him begin to give up.  He wants more in life. 

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